Miscellania

Creating a self portrait, tangibly and metaphorically. I am so unbelievably sick of trying to edit myself all the time. I am so tired of working towards the future, and dealing with the now. I am so insanely annoyed with wanting to be something, and never being it. I am so endlessly unhappy with always being one step behind. I am so worn out and worn in and beat up. I am the soles in the shoes you wore, everday. I am just serving my purpose because it's something to do. I am bored with rushing to get to school, wait, rush to get home, wait for morning again. constantly hurrying to wait. Everything is monotonous, and everyone is more interesting than I. Everyone is tiring, and requires too much effort. Everyone is pulling, prodding for the same affection they are so used to receiving. Everyone is the same, even i feel the same, for saying that i'm tired of everyone being the same.

that i just posted one of these, and i know that i shouldn't even be posting this. and i know that i will feel bad for posting this, but i want to write down how i feel. so i will look at this later, recognize that i am feeling this again, and realize that somewhere in between, feeling like this, and feeling like this again, i felt better, so that i CAN feel better. ya dig? I feel like if i was a "bro", my family would like me more. i have middle child syndrom, and i am the youngest. I'm the only girl in my family, with four older brothers. i know that this is lame, and this is another reason why they would like me more if i was a bro, because i wouldn't be sitting here, avoiding sleep, avoiding rational thinking, and whining about my feelings on a blog site. sorry, blogger, that's just how it is. Anytime our family takes a vacation, i try to bring a friend. if i bring a friend, i don't have to sit around and do nothing while everyone else in the family ru...

Listening to lately: Sonny Moore and Arctic Monkeys Reading lately: In The light of You, Nathan Singer I should keep this thing updated. Today was righteous, for a couple of reasons. I'm on vacation, so i slept until noon, rolled out of bed, back combed my hair, brushed my teeth, and i was ready for the day.Plus, I sat around all day, reading and playing the sims 2, and it feels really good that i get to do all the stuff i normally do, without having to refer to it as procrastination. I've decided that i put too much faith into my computer, i.e, having all of my writing on it. Well not all of my writing, but there's not much else that i wrote seriously or isn't for school that i don't have on my computer. So, as foolish as it may seem to revert to previous technology and go back to writing with a pen, i've begun to take down a lot of my writing into a notebook, stuff that i like, just for safe keeping. You know what's the weak sauce? My room is adjacent to m...

Winter is wondrous! I'm getting straight A's, yo. I've been cleaning and rearranging my room a lot. I'm going to get my turtle soon, i swear. You know what i've realize? That being happy doesn't mean being happy all of the time. It doesn't mean shitty stuff doesn't happen, it doesn't mean every little thing is optimistic. It means that of course stuff will be shitty, and i don't mean to be all cliche and say "it's being happy through all the bad", NO. Not that bullshit, It means that of course stuff will be shitty, but that the important things, the things that really matter, and will always matter are decent. I don't know, yo. I like coloring, especially with colored pencils. This is short, and un-wittily written, but that's all i've been thinking about lately. Oh, when cleaning my room, i came across 3, count them, 3 boxes of memorabilia and letters from E-Reese. So i went through every beautiful letter, trying to con...

My lady is almost finished. It's time to stop screwing around and start doing the things I like/want to do. I've begun making lists a lot. Lists of things that make me happy, lists of common factors that could result in my happiness/sadness. Lists of books i like, or want to read. Albums that inspire me, albums i'm a closet fan of. I've started drawing and painting more. The more i work on my painting of the woman, the more i like her. I'm glad i painted her for no reason, other than because i like to. That way, she just sat around when i thought she was done, and i was able to slowly realize that a painting could take years to finish, or never be completed at all. I guess i'm just bragging/am proud of it? It feels better than painting Conor Oberst and thinking i'm unique, just like all the other teenage girls that love him. That's a whole other blog though. We're already in the third semester. My report card was leet. I was moved from accelerated fo...