Wavering

These days I've been feeling a winding up of tension, a sense of anxiety's spiral looming close. Often when the feeling of anxiety approaches like a winding shadow behind me, I turn to lists.

This blog is one such source, an archive of text lists. Seeing my thoughts written in this way allows me to compile them and to declutter. I am grateful for experiences of this stress as they often indicate that I'm growing. Though I haven't said it out loud much, I have made a decision.

I want to become a midwife.

Midwifery was a fixation of mine during my undergraduate career nearly from move-in day, as my roommate and best friend Jazmyn pursues a life in midwifery. That first year I joined Hampshire College's Civil Liberties and Public Policy student group interested in learning more about reproductive justice. Quickly within that first semester I fell in love with feminist reproductive healthcare. One afternoon Jazmyn returned to our room from class to find me eating lunch and watching a water birth. My friendship with Jazmyn often bloomed during conversations about reproductive health, midwifery, and birth. My interest was fueled by Jazmyn's passion, but her seeming certainty made me feel uneasy. It is so easy to imagine that others don't experience insecurity, doubt, or uncertainty like we do. But I was blessed with Jazmyn as a friend who did not hesitate in situations of vulnerability, who grew to know me and see me in ways we often are afraid to look at ourselves. Junior year when I came to the realization that I wanted to pursue maternal healthcare Jazmyn was the one to tell me about lactation consultation-- sparking a sleepless night of research and planning. 

As I continue my education taking nursing school prerequisites at community college, I'm finding myself wavering again. I'm not uncertain about my ability or commitment to maternal healthcare, but the more I learn, grow, and thus reflect, the more obvious my hesitation to pursue the most I could becomes.

 I am afraid I will fail, I am afraid I will not be perfect, I am afraid I will feel uncertain. I have been afraid to commit to doing something I feel drawn to because it seems beyond my power.

Another tactic I turn to when feeling uneasy or anxious is returning to passages or pieces that have moved me. One particular text I nearly always turn to when I am feeling incapable is Audre Lorde's "The Uses of The Erotic: The Erotic as Power" This text manages to work itself into the grooves of my vulnerability. I don't think I need to say much more; I think this quote will itself speak to my perennial return to it. 

"The erotic is a measure between our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire. For having experienced the fullness of this depth of feeling and recognizing its power, in honor and self-respect we can require no less of ourselves.

It is never easy to demand the most from ourselves, from our lives, from our work. To encourage excellence is to go beyond the encouraged mediocrity of our society is to encourage excellence. But giving in to the fear of feeling and working to capacity is a luxury only the unintentional can afford, and the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies." (Full text)

I have been ashamed of the wavering I experience committing to a path. Socialized to shame an inconclusive sense of self I have hesitated at the notion of demanding the most from myself, from exploring aspiration with love and not cold discipline. As healthcare sustained by compassion and love inspires me to pursue my aspirations, it is with the love and feminine power of my community of women, of the notion of my own erotic feminine strength that allows me to set my sights on midwifery-- even as I waver.